You really have to hand it
to blind prostitutes!
When the chips are down,
the buffalo is empty.
Those who live by the
sword get shot by those who don't.
A cemetery raised its
burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime
you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability
you'll get it wrong.
If you line up all the
cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass
The things that come to
those who wait are the things left by those who got there first.
A fine is a tax for doing
wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
If you die in an elevator,
be sure to push the Up button.
I'm wondering if you're
only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?
I'm usually interested in
going home before I get to where I'm going.
I'm awake many hours
before my body allows me to get up.
Lead me not into
temptation. I can find it myself.
Good guys are like public
bathrooms, either full of crap or taken.
I like my women how I like
my coffee, hot, strong and on the kitchen table.
I used to be an atheist,
but then I realized I'm God.
The strongest muscle in
the body is the TONGUE.
I'm a drunk, not an
alcoholic. I don't go to those meetings.
I had some words with my
wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
I'm not a member of any
organized political party, I'm a Democrat.
A picture is worth 500 to
1500 words depending on how good looking you are.
If bald people get hit on
the head, do they get hairline fractures?
Don't look at me with that
tone of voice.
It is easier to fight for
principles than to live up to them.
Men are like parking
spaces - the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped.
I am having an out of
Smoking is a dying art.
You never know what real
happiness is until you get married, and then it is too late.
Death is hereditary.
The advantage of
exercising every day is that you die healthier.
What would you say if
Jesus sneezed in front of you?
Two dogs are walking down
the street, one says, "Wait a minute" and then crosses the road. He sniffs
around a fire hydrant and returns. The other dog says, "What was that all
about?" The first dog replies, "Just checking my messages!"
I donít believe in
spanking my kids. I find that waving the gun around accomplishes the same thing.
If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0!
Jesus saves. Moses invests.
Math illiteracy affects 7
out of every 5 people.
I wasn't the class clown in school. I was the class trapeze artist.
I bought a wastebasket the other day and carried it home in a paper bag. When I
got home, I put the paper bag in the wastebasket.
Resistance is futile (if < 1 ohm).
Men are like roses - watch
out for the pricks!
Why is the original text in a document called "copy"?
I know a guy who has a new book coming out. Itís one of those self-help books.
Itís called "How To Get Along With Everybody." I read it and it works! He wrote
it with some other stupid jerk.
I had such a terrible childhood, I always wanted to stick my head in an
It's always darkest before dawn. If you're going to steal your neighbor's
newspaper, that's the time to do it.
That guy is so vain - he wonít wear her glasses, but needs them to drive, so he
got a prescription windshield.
Two parrots sat on a perch. One said to the other, "Do you smell fish?"
You read about all these terrorists - most of them came here legally, but they
hung around on expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now compare that
to Blockbuster; if you are two days late with a video, those people are all over
you. We should put Blockbuster in charge of Immigration and Homeland Security.
A woman longed for the pitter-patter of little feet, so she got a dog. It was
cheaper, and she got more feet.
If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the
aspirin bottle: "take two aspirin" and "keep away from children."
I know a guy who can't hold his liquor during the winter months. It's probably
My wife and I divorced over religious differences. She thought she was God, and
I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
Obey gravity! It's the law.
Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
An old person is like a Slinky: Not really good for anything, but you still
can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Did you hear about the butcher who backed into the meat grinder? He got a little
behind in his work.
They say a smile is a gift which is free to the giver and precious to the
recipient. But giving the finger is free, too, and I find it much more personal
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that understand binary, and
those that don't.
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like
Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" The doctor says, "It's Not Unusual."
Mario Andretti recently retired from race car driving. That's a good thing,
because he's getting old. He ran his entire last race with his left blinker on.
My father taught me to swim the hard way - he threw me out into the middle of a
lake! Learning to swim that way wasn't easy, but the really hard part was
getting out of the burlap bag!
There was a doctor, a lawyer and an HMO director at the pearly gates. St. Peter
says to the doctor,"You can go on in." The lawyer steps up, and St. Peter says,
"You can go in on a trial basis." The HMO director is next in line, and St.
Peter says, "You can enter, but only for 3 days."
This greasy spoon restaurant was so bad, on the menu there were even flies in
Bill Clinton liked Monica's dress from the moment he spotted it.
A woman got into her car and discovered that the steering wheel was gone, the
radio was gone, the accelerator and brake pedals were gone. She was just about
to report it to the police when she discovered she was in the back seat.
It's hell to get old. A man said, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," another woman
replied, "It's Thursday." An old man chimed in, "So am I. Let's go get a Coke."
Did you hear about the giant who threw up? It's all over town.
Why did the mushroom go to the party? Because he was a fun guy. Why did he leave
the party? Because there wasn't mushroom!
How do you circumcise a whale? You send down four skin divers.
What is brown and lives in a bell tower? The lunch bag of Notre Dame.
Why do fire departments have Dalmatians? So they can find the hydrants.
I recently took up meditation. It beats sitting around doing nothing.
A doctor says to a patient, "I've got good news and bad news. The bad news is I
amputated the wrong leg. The good news is your bad leg is getting better!"
I almost fell in love with a psychic, but she left me before we met.
If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic! Simply pour a cup of boiling
water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly
The Invisible Man married the Invisible Woman, but their kids aren't much to
God was talking to one of the angels, and said, "I've just created this spinning
earth, which creates, in a 24 hour period, alternating light and darkness!" The
angel said, "What are you going to do now?" God said, "I think I'm going to call
it a day."
She was only the Stableman's daughter, but all the horse manure.
One cannibal says to another, "I hate my mother-in-law."
The other cannibal passed his mother in the woods.
There is a new wing in the Denver hospital named after famous skier Picabo
Street. It's the Picabo ICU.
A woman came in last in the 100 yard breaststroke at the local swim meet. She
later complained, "The other girls were using their hands!"
My grandfather is hard of hearing. He needs to read lips. I donít mind him
reading lips, but he uses a yellow highlighter.
Two men were walking on the railroad tracks. One says to the other, "This is the
longest stairway I've ever seen!" The other guy says, "Yeah, and these low
handrails are killing my back."
I traded in my wife's piano for a clarinet. You can't sing while playing a
A guy escapes from prison and goes home. His wife says, "Where have you been?
You escaped eight hours ago!"
He got a BMW because he wanted a car he could spell.
There was a ship that ran aground; it was filled with red paint. The crew was
All the toilets were stolen out of the police station. The police have nothing
to go on.
What is green and skates? Peggy Phlegm.
What did the arts graduate say to the business graduate? "Do you want fries with
Two guys went fishing, and found an excellent spot. One guy has a bright idea
and marks the spot by painting an X on the bottom of the boat. The other guy
says, "You're stupid. What if we come back and don't get the same boat?"
There was a cowboy dressed completely in brown paper. He was arrested for
Two cows were talking to one another in Washington. One says to the other, "What
do you think about this mad cow disease?" The other cow says, "What do I care,
I'm a helicopter!"
I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and Iím
thinking, okay, hereís a gal whoís capable of making a decision sheíll regret in
If a man is in the forest and there is no woman around, is he still wrong?
I bought a box of animal crackers and it said on it "Do not eat if seal is
broken." So I opened up the box, and sure enough...
I went on a fishing trip, but only caught three fish. I figure the fish cost me
about $400 each. It's a good thing I didn't catch more, I couldn't afford them.
A guy says to a dentist, "$90 to pull a tooth? That's only about one minute's
work!" The dentist says, "I can make it last longer if you'd like."
A nun says to Mother Superior, "There's a case of syphilis in the convent!"
Mother Superior says, "That's great, I was getting tired of the Chablis."
I dated a lawyer until she said, "Stop, and/or I'll slap your face!"
A man thinks he'll be charitable and says to a homeless man, "Paint my porch out
back, and I'll give you $100". Later in the day, the homeless guy knocks on the
door and says, "I'm all done. By the way, it's a Mercedes."
There is a sale in the men's department. All pants are half off.
What did Ray Charles say when someone gave him a cheese grater? "This is the
most violent book I have ever read!"
There was a knock on the door, and I answered it, but all that was there was a
snail. I picked it up and threw it into the street. Two weeks later, another
knock on the door. I opened the door and it was the snail again. The snail says,
"What was that all about?"
A lawyer meets the devil. The devil says, "I will give you countless riches now
if you give me your eternal soul and the souls of all your family." The lawyer
says, "What's the catch?"
Why do women have smaller feet than men? So they can stand closer to the sink.
There are no Wal-Marts in Iraq. They're all Targets.
A woman says to a man, "Make me feel like a real woman." The man says, "Here,
The first restaurant on the moon isn't doing very well. It's got great food, but
If a woman gets married, she gets a new name and a dress.
When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
I am a kleptomaniac, but when it gets really bad I take something for it.
Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't
much but the reception was great.
Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are
you sure?" The first replies, "I'm positive."
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog is cross-eyed. Is there
anything you can do for him?" The vet says, "Well, let's have a look at him." So
the vet picks the dog up while examining his eyes. Finally he says "I'm going to
have to put him down." "What? Just because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's
really, really heavy."
90% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house. 10% kiss their
house goodbye when they leave the wife.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Two salesmen are at another salesman's funeral. One says to the other, "What did
he have?" The other salesman says "California, Oregon and Washington".
A will is a dead giveaway.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
There's two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither one works.
Man to Veterinarian: "Every time a bell rings, my dog goes into the corner."
Vet: "That's OK, he's a boxer."
I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.
I'm in shape. Round is a shape.
Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
A couple is lying in bed. Man: "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the
world." Woman: "I'll miss you."
One of my friends watches a boxing match and says "Sure. Ten million dollars.
You know, for that kind of money, Iíd fight him." As if someone is going to pay
$200 a ticket to see a 57-year-old accountant get hit in the face once and cry.
At a nudist colony for intellectuals in England: Two old men are sitting on the
front porch. One turns to the other and says, "I say, old boy, have you read
Marx?" The other says, "Yes, it's these wicker chairs."
Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take
him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
Anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac.
I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other
one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they
are always locking three of them.
They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a
T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest
"Dad, can you do my homework for me?" "No, I'm sorry, it just wouldn't be
right." "Well, maybe not, but give it a try anyway!"
Two peanuts were walking down a spooky road at night. One was assaulted.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you may get repossessed.
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids.
2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?
Why shouldn't you make an atheist mad? Because he might burn a question mark on
your front lawn.
If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
All computers wait at the same speed.
How many quarters does it take to play the new Lord of the Rings pinball game?
None. It only takes Tolkiens.
Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.....
Cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny.
Why don't blind people like to skydive? Because it scares the dog.
Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
Tell me what you need, I'll tell you how to get along without it.
It is better to have loved and lost than to listen to "Lost In Love" by Air
Someday, we'll all look back on this and plow into a parked car.
Jesus saves. He uses double coupons.
Why are there so many
Johnsons in the phone book? They all have phones.
The optimist says the glass is half full. The pessimist says the glass is half
empty. The engineer says the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
Two old ladies are in a restaurant. One complains, "You know, the food here is
just terrible." The other shakes her head and adds, "And such small portions."
Why does a Pilgrim's pants always fall down? Because they wear their belt buckle
on their hat!
A man's house was on fire. He decided he would call the fire department. He got
on the phone with the Fire Chief. The man was very frantic. The man said,
"Chief, you have to get over here, my house is on fire!" The Chief said, "Calm
down, how do we get to your house?" The man said, "Don't you have those big red
Why don't they take coffee breaks in Poland? It takes too long to retrain them.
Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor, but book publishers aren't afraid
to have a chapter 11?
A blonde wanted to apply for job as a detective. She went into the station to
apply, and the sergeant said, "I will need to ask you a few questions." "What
is 2+2?" The blonde said, "4." "What color is the sky?" The blonde answered,
"Blue." "Who shot Lincoln?" The blonde said, "I don't know." The officer said,
"When you find out come back and tell me." So the blonde went home. Her roommate
asked her if she got the job. She said, "As a matter of fact I did, and they put
me on a case already!"