Ways to Torture the Pizza Guy
Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say, "BedWetter’s Camp,
Add extra letters to words, ex: pizza becomes pizzzzzzzaaaaaaa
After ordering, say, "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does." Simulate a
Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.
Answer their questions with questions.
Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g., If phoning Domino's, ask for a
Ask for chips/fries with everything!
Ask for extra homo-sapien
Ask for the guy who took your order last time.
Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.
Ask if the pizza has had its shots.
Ask if the pizza is organically grown.
Ask if them if they get a free date with one of the staff if you make order over
Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.
Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.
Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description
to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.
Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
Ask if you they can put food color in the cheese.
Ask the man/woman if they can sculpt the pizza into your favorite celebrity.
Ask them to not put a band-aid on it this time or you will sue.
Ask to see a menu.
Ask what the order taker is wearing.
Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.
Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.
backwards pizza your order
Be vague in your order.
Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.
Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn't
Change your accent every three seconds.
Crack your knuckles into the receiver.
Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If (s)he says
it, say, "Please don't mention that word."
Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to your advantage.
Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.
Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say, "Where was I? Who
Eliminate verbs from your speech.
Engage in some serious swapping.
Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This is your time of
day wake-up call, So-and-so." Hang up.
Give them your address, exclaim, "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up
Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell
"OW!" when a bullet is fired.
Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."
If (s)he suggests a side order, ask why (s)he is punishing you.
If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker, say, in your best
pouty voice, "Last guy let me do it."
If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your
If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say, "Okay, that'll be
$10.99; please pull up to the first window."
If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.
If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person
taking the order to stop doing that.
If you live next door or on the same block as the pizza place, ask them to
deliver with their pizza truck.
Imitate the order taker's voice.
In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask if
they have something outlandishly sinful.
Keep telling the order taker about the other pizza place you sued last year.
Laugh every minute or two, mention the cat in the microwave!
Learn the topping codes or abbreviations and use them instead of the name (e.g.
pp instead of double pepperoni).
Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals
to play it
Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be
included in the pizza.
Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.
Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say, "No
mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond.
Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.
Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the
call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream GOODBYE at the top of
Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that, say, "I
said, 'sauce smothered with meat'."
Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging.
Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an
equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.
Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
Order a one-inch pizza.
Order a slice, not a whole pizza.
Order a steamed pizza.
Order one with ants.
Order term life insurance.
Order the most expensive pizza and have it sent to your boss!
Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."
Order using lines from different movies (Luke, I am your "customer"-Darth Vader)
Order while using an electric knife sharpener.
Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.
Order your pizza, singing in falseto!
Pass the phone around to everyone in the house -- have each person change the
order a little.
Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any crap from some
two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.
Play a sitar in the background.
Pretend that you were trying to call 911 when they tell you you have the wrong #
say oh well start to order... In the middle of your order stop and start to
panic and yell “IT’S ABOUT TO BLOW” and hang up.
Pretend your flying a jet fighter in the Gulf War while ordering.
Psychoanalyze the order taker.
Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."
Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound.
Put them on hold.
Quote Carl Sandberg.
Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like
drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.
Rent a pizza.
Repeat every third third word twice
Report a petty theft to the order taker.
Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.
Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some
furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.
Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.
Say your order as fast as humanly possible.
Say, "Are you sure this is Pizza Place? When they say yes, say, "Well, so is
this! You've got some explaining to do!" When they finally offer proof that it
is, in fact, Pizza Place, start to cry and ask, "Do you know what it's like to
be lied to?"
Say, "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.
Shout, "I'm through with (wo)men! Send me a dozen of your best, Gaston!"
Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's Master of
Spill out your life story and ask them to they understand, if they say yes,
Scream "liars, I don't believe you!" and hang up!
Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last
Start the conversation with "My Call to Pizza Place, Take 1, and. . . action!"
Start your order with "I'd like. . .". A little later, slap yourself and say,
"No, I don't."
State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get.
Stutter on the letter "p."
Teach the order taker a secret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.
Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going
with the lowest bidder.
Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he' fired.
Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.
Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.
Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."
Try to talk while drinking something.
Use CB lingo where applicable.
Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town."
When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.
When ordering a pizza, burst out in tears every 2 minutes
When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again,
change it again. On the third time, say, "You just don't get it, do you?"
When they repeat your order, say, "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time."
When they say, "What would you like?"--say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now."
When they say, "Will that be all?"--snicker and say, "We'll find out, won't we?"
When you'ge given the price, say, "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate
While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act
Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.